What is Battering | Why Do We Batter | Why Do Women Stay | Barriers to Leaving a Violent Relationship |
Predictors of a Violent Relationship | Domestic Violence Checklist
What is
Battering?
Battering is
a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person
through fear and
intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.
Battering happens when one person believes they are
entitled to control another.
Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes.
Definitions
Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:Physical Battering
The abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.Sexual Abuse
Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.Psychological Battering
The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.
Why Do We
Batter?
Many
theories have been developed to explain why some men use violence against their
partners. These
theories include: family dysfunction, inadequate communication
skills, provocation by women, stress, chemical
dependency, lack of spirituality
and economic hardship. These issues may be associated with battering of
women,
but they are not the causes. Removing these associated factors will not end
men’s violence against
women. The batterer begins and continues his behavior
because violence is an effective method for gaining and
keeping control over
another person and he usually does not suffer adverse consequences as a result
of his
behavior.
Historically, violence against women has not been treated as a "real" crime.
This is evident in the lack of
severe consequences, such as incarceration or
economic penalties, for men guilty of battering their partners.
Rarely are
batterers ostracized in their communities, even if they are known to have
physically assaulted their
partners. Batterers come from all groups and
backgrounds, and from all personality profiles. However, some
characteristics
fit a general profile of a batterer:
▪
A batterer
objectifies women. He does not see women as people. He does not respect women as
a group.
Overall, he sees women as property or sexual objects.
▪
A batterer
has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He may
appear successful,
but inside he feels inadequate.
▪
A batterer
externalizes the causes of his behavior. He blames his violence on circumstances
such as stress,
his partner’s behavior, a "bad day," alcohol or other factors.
▪
A batterer
may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence, and is often seen as a
"nice guy" to
outsiders.
▪
Some
behavioral warning signs of a potential batterer include extreme jealousy,
possessiveness, a bad
temper, unpredictability, cruelty to animals and verbal abusiveness.
Studies of spousal and
dating violence indicate that women are as likely as men to assault their
partners
physically, say two researchers in their study report of California
college women (Psychological Reports, 1997,
80, 583-590). Their study
examined two issues: the prevalence of aggression initiated by the females and
the
reasons these women gave for their assault like behavior toward their male
partners.
The volunteer subjects
anonymously completed a two-page survey. Of the 978 study women, 285 (29%) said
that
in the last five years, they had initiated assault, such as pushing,
slapping, hitting, or kicking their male
partner. Younger females were more
aggressive: 32% of those between ages 20 and 30 years vs. 24% above age
31.
Neither marital status nor ethnicity comparisons showed any significant
difference in aggression within
their groups.
The immediate reasons the subjects reported for their initiation of aggression showed no predominant choices. More frequent, and commonly reported ones were: “My partner wasn't sensitive to my needs,” and “I wished to gain my partner's (emotional) attention.” When questioned about deeper reasons for their violence, two responses were chosen most: men can protect themselves; and no fear of retaliation. These results underscore the complexity of domestic violence. Many assume that the male and female partners in an abusive relationship demonstrate the qualities and dynamics of the battered woman's syndrome. Medico-legal experts and family counselors exploring abusive relationships should more deeply explore for any aggression initiated by the female, and if present, the dynamics that promote it.
Why Do Women
Stay?
All too
often the question "Why do women stay in violent relationships?" is answered
with a victim blaming
attitude. Women victims of abuse often hear that they must
like or need such treatment, or they would leave.
Others may be told that they
are one of the many "women who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem."
The
truth is that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state
or self image.
A woman’s reasons
for staying are more complex than a statement about her strength of character.
In many
cases it is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has
all of the economic and social status,
leaving can cause additional problems for
the woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child
custody, losing
financial support, and experiencing harassment at work.
Although there is no
profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome
of what
happens once the battering starts. Battered women experience shame,
embarrassment and isolation. A woman
may not leave battering immediately
because:
▪
She
realistically fears that the batterer will become more violent and maybe even
fatal if she attempts to
leave;
▪
Her friends
and family may not support her leaving;
▪
She knows
the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances;
▪
There is a
mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and
fear;
▪
She may not
know about or have access to safety and support.
Barriers to Leaving a Violent
Relationship
Reasons why
women stay generally fall into three major categories:
Lack of Resources:
▪ Most women have at least one dependent child.
▪ Many women are not employed outside of the home.
▪ Many women have no property that is solely theirs.
▪ Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.
▪ Women who leave fear being charged with desertion, and losing children and joint assets.
▪ A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children.Institutional Responses:
▪ Clergy and secular counselors are often trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage
at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
▪ Police officers often do not provide support to women. They treat violence as a domestic
"dispute," instead of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person.
▪ Police may try to dissuade women from filing charges.
▪ Prosecutors are often reluctant to prosecute cases, and judges rarely levy the maximum
sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.
▪ Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from
returning and repeating the assault.
▪ Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for women fleeing
violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep women safe.Traditional Ideology:
▪ Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative.
▪ Many women believe that a single parent family is unacceptable, and that even a violent
father is better than no father at all.
▪ Many women are socialized to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage
work. Failure to maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman.
▪ Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive
abuser, or to hide signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a
sense that there is nowhere to turn.
▪ Many women rationalize their abuser’s behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work,
unemployment or other factors.
▪ Many women are taught that their identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping
a man.
The abuser rarely beats
the woman all the time. During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the
woman’s
dream of romantic love. She believes that he is basically a "good man."
If she believes that she should hold onto
a "good man," this reinforces her
decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser is basically good
until something bad happens to him and he has to "let off steam."
Predictors of a Violent
Relationship
The
following signs often occur before actual abuse and may serve as clues to
potential abuse:
-
Did he grow up in a violent family? People who grow up in families where they have been abused as
children, or where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal behavior. -
Does he tend to use force or violence to "solve" his problems? A young man who has a criminal record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act the same way with his wife and children. Does he have a quick temper? Does he over-react to little problems and frustration? Is he cruel to animals? Does he punch walls or throw things when he’s upset? Any of these behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with violence.
-
Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? There is a strong link between violence and problems with drugs and alcohol. Be alert to his possible drinking/drug problems, particularly if he refuses to admit that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think that you can change him.
-
Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be? Does he think a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes and orders?
-
Is he jealous of your other relationships—not just with other men that you may know—but also with your women friends and your family? Does he keep tabs on you? Does he want to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all of the time?
-
Does he have access to guns, knives, or other lethal instruments? Does he talk of using them against |
people, or threaten to use them to get even? -
Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice? Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if you cannot anticipate what he wants?
-
Does he go through extreme highs and lows, almost as though he is two different people? Is he extremely kind one time, and extremely cruel at another time?
-
When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do you find that not making him angry has become a major part of your life? Do you do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?
-
Does he treat you roughly? Does he physically force you to do what you do not want to do?
Domestic Violence Checklist
Look over
the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat
your partner.
Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down
the other person, it’s abuse.
Does your partner....
-
Embarrass or
make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
- Put down your
accomplishments or goals?
- Make you feel
like you are unable to make decisions?
- Use
intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
- Tell you that
you are nothing without them?
- Treat you
roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
- Call you
several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would
be?
- Use drugs or
alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
- Blame you for
how they feel or act?
- Pressure you
sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
- Make you feel
like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
- Prevent you
from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
- Try to keep you
from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a
lesson"?
Do You...
-
Sometimes feel
scared of how your partner will act?
- Constantly make
excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
- Believe that
you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
- Try not to do
anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
- Feel like no
matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
- Always do what
your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
- Stay with your
partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.
